The Hocker’s Strike Back! (Or Why I Hate Simcahs Torah)

To me, when I was a kid, Simchas Torah was a great time. We got to stay up late, dance, get a flag, and pretty much do whatever we wanted. In my shul, since there were so few kids, we got to get up and sing “Ain Adir” if we wanted to. And of course, we got to help hold the Torah. I felt so grown up. Fast forward 20 years and I hate it. Here are some reasons why:

1. Bidding wars. The first issue is the silly grins the gabboim get on their faces when the bidding on aliayas starts. You also can’t really judge how bad the economy is when some Hocker bids $15,000. 00 on Chosson Torah. Many shuls have tried different approaches to stop the madness, but to no avail. And why should they when a large chunk of change will be coming the shul’s way and you get a Kiddush sponsored to boot!
2. Next is the “cool guys” who go out for a smoke with all of the kids milling around. Way to set an example you Hockers.
3. The orchestration. This is a time of year when shul board members and hockers come into their full prime. From telling you where you can dance (or even worse, that you have to dance), to what kind of candy you are allowed to even give your own kids, these guys are in their element on Simchas Torah. Heaven forbid you want to sing a different song after singing the same “Anah, anah anah…” 200 times.
4. The dancing. I don’t really know what non Jews call dancing, but endlessly marching around in circles and occasionally stomping one foot seems a lot more like an ancient druid ritual than dancing. This is what Jews call dancing. Why can’t I stand on the side if I feel like it without some board member or hocker trying to pull me into a circle just so I can get my foot stomped on?
5. The time. There should be a Kol Korei on Hakafos that last more than 15 minutes, and that’s stretching it. I always get so mad, some hocker/board member has stretched the Hakafa out really long and had been holding the heaviest torah, and sweating all over it. They come over and practically dump the darned thing in your lap and go on to more pointless foot stomping. It’s really annoying.
6. No real food in most shuls on Simchas Torah night. I need to have something more that cake if I’m going to be held hostage until 11:00 at night. BTW, I’ve offered to co-sponsor some food along with two other friends, but the “board” doesn’t want it so it will not be happening. And for the record, I’m not davening with my shul on Simchas Torah.
7. The drinking. This is not Purim, get a life people!
8. The sugar factories. When I was a kid, we got peanuts, chick peas, sponge cake and a lollypop. Last year there was so much candy I thought my kids would go into sugar shock. Certain shul members noticed that the gross lollipops that the shul picked out. They looked like a male’s privates with a hole in the center that squirts up goo when squeezed. Thank you Pazkes. I can’t imagine a more obscene candy, yet the Cahreidim haven’t banned it yet.

So do you hate Simcas torah to? Feel free to add to the list. Chag Samayach!

Back to Brooklyn

Why be normal?

So my neighbors came back from camp today, and they looked so great for about two minutes. I asked what the problem was, and they said that they were sad to come back to Brooklyn because everyone in the camp was normal. To be specific, they said no one was a faker or judgmental, and everyone was genuine. There was also a noticeable lack of characters and weirdoes. I was glad to hear that in a setting for children, the camp lacked Machers, Hockers, uniquely scented tzedakah collectors and so on. Personally, I like weirdoes because they have the most introspective and interesting views about life in general, and Judaism in specific. I don’t like being accosted for tzedakah when I go to daven Mincha. Once or twice is OK, but why should it be acceptable for people to shove wads of cash into my face while I’m davening and expect me to give them more? I do sympathize with some of them, but there has got to be a better way. I wonder how much the average collector makes in a day. I also always wonder what minyan they daven with. Getting back to the subject, I’d have to agree that out of town is better than here sometimes. But where else can you get a shawarma at 1:00 in the morning?