Meme, Myself & I and What The Heck is That Chumra?

For those of you who feel in necessary to know more about me, it has been suggested that I do a Meme. I do not like to put out too much information, as I enjoy the illusion of privacy my blog gives me. However, I will share a few things.
1. When I saw the term Meme, this is what I thought:




2. I feel compelled to make my chicken soup for Shabbos on Wednesday night so the fat can be skimmed off.
3. I have a fear of spiders. It makes me want to watch every "big scary spider" documentary to battle my phobia. I will not watch Arachnophobia. I will look at a Tarantula. I try not to kill spiders because it's stupid to kill anything that doesn't harm you, and they eat mosquitoes which I'm not afraid of but I hate (one day Jacob Da Jew will write about his mosquito infested yard, and the battle to remain outside).
4. I find it funny when Mrs. LFD reads my posts to make sure there is no Loshon Harah. You should see the stuff she makes me delete. Good for her!
5. I do not wear a Black Hat. I am the only member of my shul that does not.
6. I get irritated when I don't get enough feedback on a post, especailly if there is someone who used to comment, and doesn't anymore.


O.K. A switch in topic. Here is my non chumra. I like my chulent to not dry out, so I put a inverted ceramic cup on the top of my crock pot to keep moisture in. My mother in law stopped by on a Friday afternoon, looked at the cup and asked me "Where did this Chumra come from?" I had to think about what the heck she was talking about, until she noticed the confused look on my face and said "The cup. What have they come up with that a cup needs to be on the crock pot?". I explained my reason, and told her there ws no chumra.We both had a good laugh, but it shows how "Lakewood Falling Down" can get people to think.

What a Difference!

"I can’t imagine a more obscene candy, yet the Cahreidim haven’t banned it yet"- Yes I meant Chariedim. I had a typo, and Gilmour was making fun of me. Poor Gilmour, he had fever all of the last days, and we didn't make it to hang out with Jacob Da Jew. My family + Gilmour and his family went to one shul around the corner from us a night and aside from the insane amount of candy, we had a great time. We went to daven during the day with my brother in law, and the timing and amount of candy was perfect. It's easy to ignore whatever "shenanigans" may have gone on-I didn't know anybody, and I didn't care. There was a seudah in the shul after hakafos, and Mincha after that. My own shul I am told didn't end until 3:30 or so. I don't have it in me to go for so long w/o becoming crazy from claustrophobia. One more thing, kudos to my brother in law who carried his son on his shoulders for a majority of the hakafos. My nephew if quite the character and had a stuffed torah and flag. He was very funny in who got a ceremonial bop (or as we call it in my family a Ka-bong!) as he was paraded around the shul. He has his fathers sense of humor.

The Hocker’s Strike Back! (Or Why I Hate Simcahs Torah)

To me, when I was a kid, Simchas Torah was a great time. We got to stay up late, dance, get a flag, and pretty much do whatever we wanted. In my shul, since there were so few kids, we got to get up and sing “Ain Adir” if we wanted to. And of course, we got to help hold the Torah. I felt so grown up. Fast forward 20 years and I hate it. Here are some reasons why:

1. Bidding wars. The first issue is the silly grins the gabboim get on their faces when the bidding on aliayas starts. You also can’t really judge how bad the economy is when some Hocker bids $15,000. 00 on Chosson Torah. Many shuls have tried different approaches to stop the madness, but to no avail. And why should they when a large chunk of change will be coming the shul’s way and you get a Kiddush sponsored to boot!
2. Next is the “cool guys” who go out for a smoke with all of the kids milling around. Way to set an example you Hockers.
3. The orchestration. This is a time of year when shul board members and hockers come into their full prime. From telling you where you can dance (or even worse, that you have to dance), to what kind of candy you are allowed to even give your own kids, these guys are in their element on Simchas Torah. Heaven forbid you want to sing a different song after singing the same “Anah, anah anah…” 200 times.
4. The dancing. I don’t really know what non Jews call dancing, but endlessly marching around in circles and occasionally stomping one foot seems a lot more like an ancient druid ritual than dancing. This is what Jews call dancing. Why can’t I stand on the side if I feel like it without some board member or hocker trying to pull me into a circle just so I can get my foot stomped on?
5. The time. There should be a Kol Korei on Hakafos that last more than 15 minutes, and that’s stretching it. I always get so mad, some hocker/board member has stretched the Hakafa out really long and had been holding the heaviest torah, and sweating all over it. They come over and practically dump the darned thing in your lap and go on to more pointless foot stomping. It’s really annoying.
6. No real food in most shuls on Simchas Torah night. I need to have something more that cake if I’m going to be held hostage until 11:00 at night. BTW, I’ve offered to co-sponsor some food along with two other friends, but the “board” doesn’t want it so it will not be happening. And for the record, I’m not davening with my shul on Simchas Torah.
7. The drinking. This is not Purim, get a life people!
8. The sugar factories. When I was a kid, we got peanuts, chick peas, sponge cake and a lollypop. Last year there was so much candy I thought my kids would go into sugar shock. Certain shul members noticed that the gross lollipops that the shul picked out. They looked like a male’s privates with a hole in the center that squirts up goo when squeezed. Thank you Pazkes. I can’t imagine a more obscene candy, yet the Cahreidim haven’t banned it yet.

So do you hate Simcas torah to? Feel free to add to the list. Chag Samayach!

Artscroll words and phrases of the week

It was nice to end a mesechta on Yom Kippur and start a new one on the next day. I asked my maggid shiur why we learn Gittin before Kiddushin, the other way makes more sense. He smiled, and said "the classic Yeshiva answer is that G-d always provides the cure before giving the sickness". Again, I stand by the name of my blog.

On to the Artscroll words and phrases.
Kiddushin, page 3b1, note 1 translating the 3 middos on which the world stand, is referred to "the principles of hermeneutics"
hermeneutics: (Encarta dictionary) the science and methodology of interpreting texts, especially the books of the Bible.
Adduced, adduces, adducing: (Encarta dictionary) to offer something as evidence, a reason, or proof. Can't Artscroll use the word "proves"?
Exegesis: (Encarta dictionary) the explanation or interpretation of texts, especially religious writings.
And the phrase for you to translate: "Just as a maidservant departs her masters jurisdiction when she is emancipated." Now I know what this means, but I thought Artscroll was supposed to be for us laymen. The translations and notes in Kiddushin are more choppy and difficult to plow through.

Oh well, Have thesaurus, will travel !

Yom Ha- Ki-PURIM!

Have you noticed all of the Clopping going on for all of the "Zachreinu L'Lchaims" and other holiday inserts? In that spirit, Lakewood Falling Down presents an excerpt from last years anonymous Purim Newsletter. This was authored by originally by DK.


STUMP THE ROV:
Q: If a non-board member klops on the Bimah on Rosh Chodesh to signal Yaaleh Veyavoh, is it considered a good klop or does a board member have to klop again? Similarly, if a board member and non board member klop to signal V’sain Tal Umatar at the same time, does one klop negate the other, and are fines imposed on the unauthorized klopper to be used for the building fund?
A: In both cases, the klop must be repeated. A non-board member may utter the words "Yaleh Veyavoh" aloud when he gets to it in Shemonah Esrai, for a small fee, but klopping is for board members only.
V’sain Tal Umatar is different because you need at least a week to get used to it. Since many more klops will be needed, the addition of a fine for non board klopping may be imposed to keep the unauthorized kloppers from getting carried away with themselves.. Our shul will be adding a small gold plaque on the “Klop Chart” for all those who klop properly. If you would like to sponsor a board members name for the Klop Chart, please send an email to the shul president at hockers@aol.com .

Who's in Charge? (or Mrs. LFD hates fighting)

This post was inspired by Mrs. LFD. This past week, (Parshas Vayelech), when I came home from shul my wife asked me what the Rov spoke about this morning. I said one of the things he spoke about was Moshe choosing a leader for B'nei Yisroel and presenting him to the people. Mrs. LFD was thoughtful and said this is a lesson for anybody who is a "Rebbe". Look at Lubavitch, Bobov and Satmar. Once at least they were respectable (no lashon horah please) coherent sects. Now, they are another news item for any news agency to point out how even the "right wingers and devoutly pious"" fight over power & money. If the past generations of Rebbes would have clearly stated and written down who is suppose to take over, there would be so much less sins chinam, (at least publicly) because the law would be laid down. This is clearly the leson Moshe is teaching us. One of the things that Rashi says is that Moshe told Yehoshua "everything depends on you. If necessary, take a rod and hit them on the head because every generation has one leader, not two." A leader, my Rov said has to be able to be forceful when needed. If Moshe hadn't told us Yehoshua would be our leader, do you think we would have even made it across the Jordan? So from Lakewood Falling down goes out my (our) first Kol Korie! A ban on anyone happy enough to be a leader without the courage to lay out concrete plans for the future.

PS- a thank you to my friend Moshe who provided the picture on a get well card I got 8 years ago after shoulder surgery. The Taco Bell Chihuahua Rebbe has chosen a successor!

Post Rosh Hashonah

So we've moved into the new year (5769). The stock market crashed, got bailed out (pending the house vote) and life goes on. I really try to have kavanah and daven for a good year for everyone, but It gets hard to concentrate for so long. I'm struck by how fast the Chagim seem to zoom by. I told Mrs. LFD, you know you're old when you know most of Davening for Rosh Hashonah and Yom Kippur by heart (well a lot of it anyway). There are always some things that bug me about Rosh Hashonah davening. First of all, I may be turning into a grumpy old man because my seat in my shul is right next to the main door, and I can hear the kids running back and forth screaming. I actually got one of the gabboim at one point. The kids, quite creatively strung a bunch of plastic hangars across the coatroom and were having a volley ball game. While entertaining, they were also spiking the ball (laffy taffys) onto the younger kids heads for fun. Call me a kill joy. I also sit right under an air conditioning duct. My shul has the airconditioning set at 66 degrees. When I'm sitting still, and especailly when I'm fasting, which to all intensive purposes I am until 2:00 on Rosh Hashonah, I get cold. I have no desire to come down with a cold before going into Sukkos. Grumpy, grumpy, grumpy. Of course there are the tunes. Now, I like a majority of the tunes my shul uses, but some are downright dirge-like. I looked around the room at one point expecting to see druids in long robes. Who else chants like that? Last on the list of things I don't like are the shul talkers. I actually went over to a pair of them during krias hatorah and said "There is no talking during krias hatorah on Rosh Hashonah or any other time". Of course, the person I was talking to was coincidentally then called up for an aliyah... Oh well, at least I got to have my fish head!

The minyan factory.

With all due respect to Frum Satire, I feel I’m entitled to make some observations about things in Flatbush. I have a lot of Hakoras Hatov to Landau’s minyan factory for being there, especially for mincha, but I don’t particularly enjoy the experience. I wonder if g-d looks down and sees a virtual turnstile of people running in and out, davening as they do, and popping back out. It just doesn’t feel “spiritual” to me, more like an obligation. There is dourness to the individuals there, a hollowness to their eyes. I think it has to do with the “factory” not being a community but an open door place of worship. As if to say, come in, get accosted by tzedakah collectors, and get out. It also has a certain odor that many bais hamedreshes have, the combined smell of lots of people’s breath, and it bothers me. Turn down the A/C and open the windows, will you? I particularly like to see the groups I put people into. There are always the 50-65 year old Flatbush guys, black hat, white shirt, and a short gray/white beard. These are the people who moved in 25 years ago, and are wondering when their houses appreciated to a million dollars. They still can’t keep up with the bills, and have sons and/or daughters who are still expecting them to foot the bill for kollel, tuition, large weddings, or a house. They are not afforded the opportunity to think about retirement, and as a result have a haggard/haunted look on their faces. Then there are the hockers in white shirts, no jacket. You can almost always find them in a group toward the exit close to the coffee machine. The blackberrys going off by “accident” are a clear giveaway. There are the handy man/mechanic type guys in their coveralls, covered with flecks of paint, and grease on their hands that have dropped everything to find a quorum. There are the Chassidim who are chuckling away. A note about the Chassidim, you usually don’t find them in groups at Landaus. Two streimle guys here, a few “up hats” there and a smattering of other denominations in various corners. For some reason, there is always one guy in a large sefardic yarmulke, but only one. There is always a weirdo (I use the term loosely) talking out loud to himself while pacing back and forth across the entire shul. The YU guys are easy to spot, they don’t come all that much. When they do come, you see them in a white shirt and hat, clean shaven, not quite preppy, and never rumpled. 2-3 times a day, a group home councilor will come in with clients, and you get to hear the inspiring but slightly ill timed “amen”. There is me (no hat and jacket, suede yarmulke, sneakers), and a few more like me. Then there are the tzedakah collectors. Some come with letters, others are just waving stacks of bills in your face and expecting you to add to the pile. There are the ladies outside, and they guys collecting for Israel, Hacnosas Kallah, or hold overs from those who lost their shirts in the stock market. There are the guys who bring their kids with pushkas so elicit pity and nachas as you slowly loose your preciously horded quarters you needed for the parking meters on Ave J. All this for a 15 minute mincha makes it a unique experience.
What kind of experience is entirely up to you.