Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Chumras I'd Like To See

Well, whether it's Chanukah or Pesach, every time of the year is good to make chumras. The newest one is separate shopping lines for men and women, which Mrs. LFD says reminds her of public bathrooms. The girls line will always be 10x as long. Anyway, this was interesting. While in shul last Shabbos, Gilmour points out to me that there are five people standing around the Bima. The Gabbi and the person standing opposite him, the Baal Korei, the person getting the aliya, and the person who got the last aliya. They were all "shuckleing" at vastly different rates, with minor variations on twists and bounces and head shakes. The Baal Korei was holding on to the Eitz Chaim and shuckeling at warp 8 and looked as if he was gong to increase to warp 9.9 soon. It was really quite dizzying, and also superhuman that he was able to keep the place. I thought he might actually pop the Torah off of the Bimah! Gilmour starts cracking up because it looked like a bizarre tribal dance gone wrong. It got me to thinking, why shouldn't the Chumrah Police make regulations to how people can shuckle? This would regulate what is a self stimulatory behavior, and decrease accidental bumping by at least 2% annually. Some more chumras I'd like to see:

1. When Davening in a particular Shul, one must use the pronunciation the masses use. (Elokei-nee, Booo-reeech, mandatory rolling of "Raish" is Sefardi shuls). It makes for Achdus!

2. Enforcers to throw rocks at people who don't answer "Good Shabbos" when the greeting is given. If Bain Adam L'chavairo is more important tha Bain Adam L'Makom, it should be a Mitzvah to throw rocks at obnoxious people.

3. A ban on shuls with no candyman.

4. A manditory Q&A session at the end of Shabbos Drashos. It would make Rabbeim think twice before introducing something to the masses if they know they will be hit up with 20 questions in a public forum.

5. The use of the word "Goyish". The excuse people give their kids many times is that "it's goyish". How smart our kids would be if we had to actually know why we do or don't do something.

6. Smoking (pet peeve-LOZ, I know it's been banned, but not by the heilige Chumara Police!).

That's it for now. feel free to add to the list!


Jacob Da Jew said...

Short or no speeches!

Happy Chanukah!

Lakewood Falling Down said...

I can't believe I forgot that one. Thanks Jacob!

Gilmor said...

Rather than a "bizarre tribal dance gone wrong," I'd say it resembled a "gracefully choreographed spiritual ballet."

We can call it "The Nut-Hocker"...

Or how about "Swan Lake-wood"?

Child Ish Behavior said...

I say we skip the chumras all together and have a free for all shabbos.

Mikeinmidwood said...

Your chumros sound to MO. you got to up them a notch.

Lakewood Falling Down said...

Child Ish- By free for all, do you mean schnorring free chulent from kidushes where I have no idea who the Ba'al simcha is?
Mikeinmidwood-feel free to add to the list, but I hear that the Chumara Police have banned MO!

Mikeinmidwood said...

They also banned internet on phones after banning internet, what else is new.

Logic613 said...

Unless they are sitting and davining, ban children.